Going through this Cancer journey has taught me a lot about myself, my disease, my tolerences and my mental health.
To say I never get down or frustrated would be an absolute untruth. As Jamie has often noted with me, I put on a different face when talking to my Doctors or Friends about certain issues, than I do when talking openly with Jamie or when I am not in the eye of others. I tend to minimize the pain I have, or make excuses as to why I am feeling a certain way, and it leaves my Doctors a little bit out of the loop. I know it's not good to be that way, but it is who I am.
As for you who have been following my blog (thank you) you will know that I am really struggling with leg pain and mobility issues. For the last little while we have been trying to work on pain management, which is very much a trial and error kind of approach. Balancing the need for pain medication, while not overdoing it is tricky.
Tonight, for the 2nd night in a row, the strength in my leg is very weak. If I put any pressure on it, the wrong way, it gives out. I am walking around with the use of a walker, and walking like at 90 year old man. It's embarassing, it's depressing for me, and it sets me back mentally by months.
Having fought back my bladder cancer to the point where I am cancer free, but to be faced with such immobility and pain now is just sad. The doctors don't yet know what has happened to my leg. We are waiting to have an MRI, and for the results of the X-Ray I went for last week. But it does seem to be worse every day.
I can't go anywhere anymore because longer distance drives just kill my leg, and I can barely walk even short distances. I have had three instances in the last two weeks where my leg gave out on me.
I hope one of the excellent doctors I have will finally figure it out for me, and get me on some treatment for it.
But yes, the face I put on for you, my friends, my doctors, my family is not always a truthful reflection on what I am going through.
