Todd's Journey

The story of my cancer journey

Some tough days

- Posted in The Journey by with comments

Hey everyone. I am still adjusting to the ureteral stents that are in place, causing the frequent urination issues. I still get fatigued but not as quickly as before. I have had some abdominal pain due to the stents and constipation caused by a few of my medications.

The immunotherapy session I had went well (other than the infusion reaction I got), so the oncologists were happy about that. The added aggravation that I live with now is feeling cold much more often, and brief bouts of shivering.

I have also been having some mental struggles the last few days. The feeling of guilt I have watching people (especially Jamie) have to do so much for me, and because I am still weak (from the chemo - can last up to six months) I cannot help him much. Things we used to do together, he has to now do himself. So I am feeling a real level of guilt.

The Doctors keep reminding me that I am still early in this Journey. I just finished a very successful chemo treatment, a month and a half ago. They infused me with a significant amount of chemo. The effects of the chemo (fatigue, weakness, etc) can carry on for up to six months following the end of chemo. Right now I am still dealing with the effects of the chemo.

They also reminded me that I just started immunotherapy that has it's own set of challenges. And that will take a while for me to get used to.

I know none of this is my fault, and I know that Jamie helps me because he loves me and is in this journey with me, but it doesn't erase the guilt I feel some days. It's been a tough few days.

I am sure it will pass. Like my Doctors say, it takes time.

From my Nan

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I just received this from my Nanny. She always looks out for me, and is another one of my rocks. (not to mention she is 101 years old). Oh, and I am her favorite grandchild... lol

Appreciation and Correction

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First, I must make a quick correction to my last video post. My best cousin-in-law, Christopher, did not actually say I was looking poorly in my videos, he actually said I was looking good in the videos. I was trying to make a joke about how I use make-up to look good. Didn't quite come off correctly. (BTW- Christopher and Joelle are truly the best of the best - always checking in with me.)

Now, as you know, I finally kicked the hiccup issue to the curb with the very good help of Dr. Moisette and Dr. Reaume. Howver, it all started with the Chemo nurses, Jackie and Andrea, who worked tiredlessly to reach an oncologist and help me deal with the issue. In appreciation of the work they all did for me, and for finding a solution to my hiccup issue, I sent Dr. Reaume and Dr. Moisette some very nice edible bouquets of chocolate dipped strawberries and different fresh fruit. The nurses at the chemo unit in Winchester received a thank you card from me and gift cards for the Keg. I think it's important to recognize the help some doctors and nurses give. It's easy to complain about how they aren't doing a good job (I admit I have done that on occassion as well) but it's also easy to forget how we should thank the ones that work hard to help us.

Dr. Moisette just called me, and was somewhat emotional about how thrilled she was with the gesture, and the edible bouquet. She said she's never had such thanks from a patient, and she was more thrilled that she was able to help me out. She said my gesture inspires to thrive at what she does, and to keep doing what she does, as the appreciation makes it all worth it.

So the moral of this post is to tell you all to make sure you show appreciation when due, and not just complain about everything.

Speaking of appreciation, I have to thank my aunt-in-law Linnie for making me some of her most famous potato salsd. I just love her salad, and for her to make me a big bowl to enjoy for a few days is awesome. I also have to thank my cousin, Tammy. She said she was going to make Jamie and I a big plate each of Thanksgiving dinner. We can't wait to eat it!!!

Have a good one. Will write again soon.

My Hero, my rock, my reason for life

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Every one of us has a rock, a support, an angel that look out for us and walk with us through life. Sometimes we know who these angels are, but sometimes we don't. But we all have them.

For me, I know who my rock and support is. Jamie is truly a god send for me. He cares for me without complaint. Even on the days where I am less than cordial with him.

He watches my medication times, checks on me throughout the night, bought me an alert button that I can press if I need him to come to me.

He fixes my dressings on my neph tubes when needed. He helps me change my "diaper" underwear when needed, he empties my urinal, he helps clean me if I need it.

He lifts me up when my legs are weak, and he helps me to the bathroom. He carries me when my legs fail me.

He takes me to all my appointments and is in regular contact with my pharmacist regarding my medications and refills.

He sits patiently with me during my chemo treatments. Helps me move through the hospital in a wheelchair.

But that is only the medical support he gives me.

He also cooks all the meals for us. He does all the dishes. He does all the housework. He gets the groceries every week. He runs into town anytime we need something.

He does all the yard work. He mows the lawn. He closed the pool on his own. He put away all the summer furniture and closed up the back yard.

You cannot begin to imagine how bad I feel, everyday, watching him do all this on his own while I sit or lay here in a state where I cannot help him.

I don't know where I would be today if it were not for Jamie. I love him so very much for what he does for me. And what he HAS done for me for the past 28 years.

I seriously believe I would be gone by now if not for Jamie. Because I know, there is just no way I could do this all on my own, or expect my parents (who also have their own challenges) to take care of me.

Jamie is my rock. Jamie is my support. Jamie is my angel. Jamie is reason for living right now. Jamie is my life.

Up and down week

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Well, has been one week since I was released from hospital after having 2 more bladder resections, and more cancer removed. Thank you to all of you who have written such kind words of support. Many of you have said how you know me as a strong, persistent fighter in everything I do, but Cancer is a whole different opponent for me. I have little to know control over it now, and until I can get into Chemotherapy I am having to cope and let it lead my life right now.

It makes me very tired, and occassionally lets me know it's still there with some strong bouts of pain, but hopefully I will get into therapy soon enough.

I had to learn the hard way this week just how much dignity you can lose fighting a battle with cancer. I was trying to take a bath in 3" of water (since I cannot get my nephrostomy tubes and dressings wet) and I got to a point where I was so weak in my legs that I could not wash my back or behind. I had one hand on the bath wall in front of me, and one holding on to the side of the tub, while on my knees crying. Jamie came in and finished washing me up. I felt so useless and helpless. And really lost my dignity in that moment. I just cried for an hour after that.

As one of Aunt in laws, who is a registered nurse, said "Things are going to get worse for me before they get better". This will be an understanding I will have to have for the next six to eight months.

I am forever grateful to Jamie for his constant support and caring of me. I have no idea what I would do if I did not have him. He watches over me like a hawk, hugs and holds me when I have one of many down moments, and helps me find positives in this dark period of my life.

I will update everyone on Monday with a new video post. Thanks again for all your kind words and support.